something else that i wrote exactly one year ago

My fingers have been typing for some time now even though it is only 7 am. I find myself unable to sleep very well lately. I think that the closer it gets to moving to St Louis the nights of sleepless are going to become greater in number until I finally hit my crashing point - which will probably 1 really good night of sleep every week (I'm the kind of person that needs a solid 8-10 hours a night to be functional so only getting 4-5 hours is torture.)

This weekend my Trinity and Collin (my half-sister's children) are spending the weekend so that their Mom can work. That means 2 extra bodies in my bed even though Grandpa and Grandma have a guest room with a full size bed for them. When they spend the night here they almost always sleep with me and I can't say that I absolutely love it when I get kicked in the ribs or kidney area in the middle of the night but I love the peacefulness in the morning - especially this morning because I'm not sure how many sleepovers we have left before I move to St Louis.

Their calm and innocence is so apparent on their peaceful faces while they sleep and yet they have been through so much for only being 4 and 5 (almost 6). Their father was abusive to them and their mother and yet she continues to go back and forth with him because she is in 'love' and he is trying to change and then they see my sister's on-again-off-again boyfriend who is identical to their father with the exception that he doesn't harm the children physically. Contacting social services proves to be a dead end and it breaks my heart that they are stuck in the middle of all the manipulation and lies.

Leaving them to go to St Louis is probably the hardest part of leaving. Trinity was my first niece - When she was born I was still this raging alcoholic and drug addict. Her being born was enough to say hey you need to grow up. I didn't stop drinking whenever I wasn't with her but I knew that I needed to shape and and while it took some time she melted my heart and I adored her as she adored me.

Trinity is my little spit fire - Always trying to get her brother in trouble and eager to help most of the time. Her imagination is great and she is a stubborn as me. She is starting kindergarten in the fall and after a 3 week summer prep for kindergarten course she told me that she is ready to go because she is big and can find her way around the school.

Collin was born 21 months after Trinity and he had me from the first time I held him as well. He has this wicked red hair and the sweetest freckles on his nose. He is afraid of anything louder than a microwave because of all the fighting and shouting he heard as an infant but we are working on it. He loves cars or 'tars' and when he grows big enough he wants to drive a 'tar', 'trud', or moedorcytle'.

These kids rocked my world in a way that I would have never imagined. My half-sister and I have a horrible history and she did some horrible things to me in our teenage years. I have tried to forgive but the bitterness that I have been harboring over the past 10+ years doesn't make it easy. In the end I tolerate her behavior because I adore my niece and nephew. I hate that I am going to be living so far away from them but I know that I will get to see them and love on them whenever I come home and for now that is what comforts me because I know that I need to make this move.

(Over the next 10 weeks I will most likely be posting a lot of stuff about my family and the place in which I have spent the last 23 years of my life that is only 26 years old. - At least I'm able to finally get some stuff out there - It might not be what I was originally aiming for but I'm betting my first few weeks of St Louis I will be battling homesickness so it will be great to have these memories to look back at.)

(So much has changed in the last year but it is good to look back on this and reflect on what I was feeling last year - Even when it is difficult because I'm learning not to miss what could have been.)