something that i wrote exactly one year ago.

six years.

that is how much time i wasted loving you.

almost three years.

that is how long it took me to get over what i never truely had.

i met you when i was 17 - fresh out of high school at my first 'grown up' job. we met because my mom had the day off work and you sat in the cubicle across from me. i was sun burnt to the point where i had blisters. you made fun of my all day long. you asked me to go to a movie. you followed me home after work. 'met' my dad while he was in the bathroom. (that still makes me chuckle.) we went to see lara croft: tomb raider. we started making out half way through the movie. you had cinnamon breath. you brought me home and actually met my dad face to face along with my mom, brother, and his best friend.

after that night we spent virtually all of our time together. a few days later a drunk and stoned me gave what i was waiting to give to my husband on the night of our wedding. i gave up my innocence because i thought that you wouldn't want me as your girlfriend if i didn't.

after awhile we broke up. you weren't good for me and i wasn't good for you. we spent the next 6 years in a cycle of being together and apart. i spiraled to my lowest points after our breakups. i can't believe that someone had such a crippling effect on me. thinking about it makes me so disappointed in myself.

all that being said i loved you like i never thought i could love somebody.

for a long time it made me sad because you never loved me - not even in the slightest. i was nothing to you.

and now. you are nothing to me.


(It has now been a year since I wrote this - to say that I am healed wouldn't be accurate. I don't know if I will ever be fully healed from our relationship but I am at a point where I can move on and am finally open to the possibility of sharing my heart with someone else if it is my path in life.)